Thomas is okay and gone, but Mums is apparently really upset about seeing him go through that, as you would be... She's not so good. She's holed herself up, which she never does. She says she needs to 'deal with some stuff' whatever that means. She'll be fine, I just hate it when she's weird because usually Mums is so open and now there's closed and blah.

So. Moving past that, apparently Amaris wants help. She threw a whole 'I just want people to love me' hissy in front of Thomas and Mary who suggested that maybe not torturing and killing people was a place to start. I don't understand how she expects us to help. She doesn't want help, she wants an easy out. Argh.

ARGH.

And she said she wanted to keep Thomas here in pain which apparently immediately sent him back to the Beyond, because once it became sadistic, it wasn't a 'necessary need' any more. So, okay, sometimes the rules are alright with me. Stupid bitch.

Behold my tattletale skills.

Thomas: "I feel bad for my spouses. It's like a full-time job for two people, just so they can have half a husband each."
Abby: "I don't think they feel that way Thomas."
Thomas: *emo tears*

My poor big brother. So attractive, but so dumb sometimes.

And by this, I do mean I've been here all night trying to help him and I'm frantic and it's a little hard to show how much in an LJ post, so you get detached and snide.

Hey, Tamm. I spoke to Peter about Russia, and... Look, if you need to talk to someone, I'm here.

I looked at Thomas' post and was reminded how much Mara loves taking photos. I knew there were some on my camera too, so I had a look and I found some photos which are so sweet. They're from November, and oh goodness!

( You just have to look... )

Hi, Sweetie. I understand you'll probably say no, but I wanted to offer anyway.

As you know, Flynn and Quinn are getting married, and Flynn is going to be moving into Quinn's house. Which means his room will be available, and if you want it, it's yours. We figured you probably wanted to stay at Vic Lane anyway, but it was important to us that you know you're absolutely welcome here if you want to be here. Completely up to you.

It was really nice to have you with us in Spain.

We're home.

I didn't say it before because...things.

Stuart and I are getting married too, but we're not doing the huge wedding thing. Because I just might have a panic attack if we do. We're going to be going to the courthouse in a few weeks and getting it done there. Whenever Thomas is back. Because Ashley Bigglesby and Spectre Mors have to be the witnesses. I insist.

I've been thinking, Spectre. And I'm naked so I can't come find you... It was naked thinking. Don't judge, it's hot for January here.

I want Mara to go to counselling when we get back to London on the 4th. Not...necessarily exactly on the 4th, but you know what I mean. She'll need it. I was also thinking...maybe it might be a good idea to have Deirdre speak with her? Unfortunately among the people Mara knows, there are far too many people who can understand what she's gone through because they have gone through a similar thing. Deirdre... She went through almost the exact same thing. And while I am loathe to cause Deirdre any harm, I hope this wouldn't do so...she is very, very good at taking care of others. Now that Mara knows exactly what happened because of what that monster did to her, she's going to have questions. And I can't...

I'm fucking barren, Spectre. I can't have children, and my daughter ended up pregnant after being violated. She's going to need someone who understands that. And poor Deirdre does.

What do you think?

I hope I catch you before you come down here, Spectre.

Apparently my coworkers think my daughter's personal business is something they can discuss amongst themselves in the staff room. Unfortunately not only Mara heard, but Samson heard. Samson knows she was raped and they both know she was pregnant and had an abortion. Your fucking father hit me and Mara threw a fit so immense, Katia had to sedate her.

There's one thing that came out of this, though. Samson wasn't punishing her, he was protecting her. From me even. Katia said when she started screaming he caught her and tried to help her calm down. Apparently he doesn't blame her after all, though I can't say the same about us...

Mara's back. Has been a few days, I was just preoccupied. She's not talking about what happened, really. And she doesn't want to see anyone. But she's safe. And Renee is awake too and that is really good.

Renee went comatose again this morning, and she hasn't come out of it. We'll keep an eye on her, but this is the worst it's ever been. And I think she knew it was coming, which is different. She tried to tell me it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what she meant.

Fuck.

Another Littleton. Bernard fathered another daughter who lives in Wales. She's coming to meet us on Tuesday and I'm terribly nervous. I hope she likes us...

Seems we aren't the only ones who Bernard Littleton left behind.

I met my half-sister today. She is fifteen (I know) and she's Bernard's daughter alright. She has his eyes. And his name on her birth certificate. And up until his death, he had to dole out money to her mother in exchange for ditching her before the baby was born.

Her name is Galina Metanova, and she said it was alright for me to tell you. She's a shy girl. She's had a hard life. She's going to be in protective custody for a while and after that we'll have to figure out where she'll end up. She's refusing to return to live with her parents and from what I've heard, I don't blame her.

She's a nice girl. A really nice girl.

Darren and Evan are starting to worry me. Deeply. Peter's gone and they know it. Razvan helped us avoid a disaster with Caoilfhionn, but she's getting antsy again too.

I told them we were here for them, but they don't want us. They want him.

I really don't know what to do!

Thomas came to see me yesterday to deal with what he termed 'anger issues'. He stretched out on the couch and everything, and then proceeded to psychoanalyse himself while I nodded in agreement. In the end he came to the conlusion that he doesn't have anger issues, he has fear issues. Every time he has lashed out at someone he has been afraid of something or for someone. With the exception of one Brian Montgomery (while the slime was still alive) and that...yeah, that was totally allowed. Thomas decided (and I agree) that his fight or flight response is, without fail, more a fight response. He is going to work on this.

All I did for the entire hour was nod. He's quite good, our Thomas.

I listened too. He explained what happened with Kat and while Thomas didn't really need me as anything more than a sounding board thanks to my wily psychiatric ways being all up in his gourd, Kat does need me. Or someone. Anyone.

I took a while and I really considered her actions and I think I might have figured out what's going on there. Obviously she's in pain, as anyone would be after losing a spouse and a child. Look at our Joe. But lashing out in this way seems more than a little off. She has a history of trying it on with Thomas. I have the memories of it now so I can be more objective (instead of just hating her guts as a little sister should). It seems to me that every time she's tried this before, it came from love. Confusion, obviously, but also love. She has been very open with the fact that she finds it hard to be with just one person, so that explains the confusion. The love doesn't need explanation. This, however, seemed to come from a different place entirely. It seemed to come from something darker, like revenge.

I think she blames Thomas, and Spectre to some extent, for her pain now. Simply because it's easy and subconciously she knows she can get away with thid kind of crap with you two because she has before and you forgave her without a second thought. I do not, however, think she is aware of that yet. I think she's just pissed off right now and doesn't care about forgiveness yet.

The key here lies in the fact that she didn't even bother trying to convince Mary that Thomas had tried to force himself on her. Kat was with Thomas and indeed Mary after their relationship started. It was only after Spectre and Thomas commenced their relationship that she knew he was off-limits. This forced her to look into a new relationship because she couldn't spend all her time focusing on the past. She did find a new relationship. Alessa.

If Thomas and Spectre had not found each other, Kat would not have had to find Alessa, they wouldn't have gotten married, and she wouldn't be going through this pain. I know it's a very strange way of looking at things, but when the mind shelters itself by hiding in anger instead of feeling the pain, it will look for any available path there. I hope I didn't lose you. That's just my two cents about what's going on. And a further cent?

She might not give it up just yet. Her first attempt didn't work, but if she still has herself convinced that she's pissed off at you both for putting her in this painful position, she might try something else. Just please be careful?

The doctor is out, I need a freaking ice cream sundae STAT.

Apparently Thomas disappeared back to the Beyond again last night. In the middle of marital relations, or so I hear. From five different people so far (one being my mother, who seemed both disturbed and impressed in equal measure and then she said 'it couldn't have been at the point of no return or he'd have been needed, eh!? which was horrifying...) not a single one of which was actually his spouse. So I am still unsure which one he was with! But YUCK! Of all the things to have happen...

How does something like this spread so fast. Stuart, Flynn and Deirdre all told me before I had even finished breakfast. Damn.

I miss him. I know he'll be back soon, but I'm impatient and don't want to wait.

I can't really make this call. I'm not his doctor, I'm his sister.

Do you think it's time we get Joe some more help? The...hospital kind of help.

You okay?

Your husband says he loves you and you say, "I know you do"? What the hell kind of a response is that?!

I got him to eat. Thomas, I used a trick I learned from Amaris. Again. Not that I feel proud of that, but it did work. Thomas, I think when Amaris fed you, she laced your food with Dronabinol, which she could easily have gotten from Aurelia. She was experimenting a lot, to see what would happen if she did X, and when I think back on how you felt after that, I believe that's the only reason she fed you.

For everyone else, since Thomas will know what I'm talking about, Dronabinol has Tetrahydrocannabinol as it's active ingredient. You can see that pretty much says cannabis. It stimulates the appetite. It's usually used for cancer or AIDS patients, as well as anorexic patients who need to gain weight. I think she pumped you full of it, Thomas. Which really wouldn't have helped with your...you know...issues there.

I gave my patient one pill and he ate three helpings. I hate her, but I never would have thought of it if she wasn't evil.

I've been seeing this kid at the hospital. I can't really talk about what he says, but everyone at the hospital knows he's refusing to eat. He says he wants to die, and he's determined to do that in any way possible. I just hate that someone would willingly put themselves through that. I have Thomas' memories, and I wish I could shake this kid and tell him he doesn't know what he's saying. The thing is...augh...I think he does.

I know he'll give in eventually and if he doesn't, we're hardly going to let him starve. But we can't do anything until it becomes a medical issue. And even that is not pleasant.

Why can't people see how beautiful life is?

Jordan and Jaida are dead. They're dead and the fucking police won't release the bodies to me!

Apparently Rolf went to see Thomas to ask him something (he wouldn't tell me what...) and Thomas was with Bernard. Bernard Littleton. He said they seemed happy and comfortable with each other. It's just so weird to think about.

I am now jealous of my dead brother because he has a relationship with my dead father.

Clearly, I need a fucking shrink.

(Though I am glad he's happy. He deserves it. Thomas, not Bernard...)

I'm sorry.

Adam, Thomas and I got together to carry on with their silly little boyfight, me mostly because I enjoy it when they're dorks. And this happened.

Adam: "Well I can never keep a long-term girlfriend anyway. You should consider yourself lucky, Trophyboy."
Thomas: "Believe me, I do."
Adam: "Vi would make a good trophy wife... Though I think at the end she was cheating..."
Abby: "Yes, Thomas knows Spectre won't ever cheat on him."

And then Thomas blinked and he wouldn't say anything.

Spectre, what did you do?!

Mara just rushed in the door, ran up to her room and slammed her own door. She was at a friend's house and all I can think is that they had a fight. But she refuses to talk to me.

Oi. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to be a kid.

Oh god!! Did...did he say anything about...you know...me?!

Oh god, I'm afraid to see him!

Azura's just woken up to find out she has no family left. She hasn't stopped crying. But she's alive.

I went to see Johan today, to let him know how the concert was. They told me he couldn't come to see me, stating he was in the infirmary. I said I was a doctor so they let me in.

He got done over by three men. He couldn't really speak... He couldn't open his eyes. The doctor told me he had been raped, and I think he was by all three of the men who then beat the shit out of him.

We were all at a concert for him. And this was happening to him as we danced.

Yuck.

Today, a man came in for a therapy session. I'd never seen him before, but when he walked in he looked me up and down and said, "Man. If I had known my doctor was this hot, I woulda cleaned the pipes before showin' up, know what I mean?"

Ew. Ew ew. That's something Aaron would have said.

Needless to say, I will not be seeing him again. Yuck. I feel dirty and I'm going to go take twelve showers and pretend the world consists entirely of Stuart, my brothers, gay men, and women.

Werner's gone. He killed himself. He wanted to be with Alastair.

Johan's still here, and says he has no intention of following. He's being moved back to prison tomorrow, however.

It's terrible.

I have had to stop Werner from killing himself three times already, and again today.

And now I'm wondering if I shouldn't just let him do it. What am I making him live for? So he can suffer the pain of killing his only son though he never would have harmed a hair on his head had he been in control.

I wouldn't want to live.

Lucian is working on a cure for this supernatural bleeding disease. He's isolated the gene it attacks and he's close. He gets to giddy when he's labratting. Though really...I'm giddy too. I've been terrified for Mara, as well as everyone who has been infected.

Speaking of Mara, she's been pestering me to let her see Samson. I don't know why. I think maybe so she can see for herself that he's...down for the count. I'm just afraid he won't be if she's too close. I honestly don't understand her motives and, thus far, she's not telling.

I just don't want that monster anywhere near her. It's bad enough he's in the same city and I have to know he's in my workplace.

Note to self: Don't go three days without eating. It's stupid.

The hospital is in chaos and so am I. People are coming in from everywhere now, bleeding. So much so that I want to keep James and Mara in the house, but that's a bit...heavy. But argh. And I'm too busy to work through my own issues.

Though maybe that's for the best.

Thomas has to leave tomorrow and I am not okay with it.

I still can't believe I even qualified for 'Angel'. My head is very loud. Mostly? Because Thomas is very loud. And silly. He wanted me to poke things with sticks in the carpark today. Boys, eh?

Spectre, will you come flying with Thomas and Mara and I? Please? I want to do it before I no longer have wings.

I thought he was telling the truth.

Something is WRONG here.

Thomas came to see me today and he went to sit down and he missed the chair by a mile. He ended up in a heap on the floor, looking as shocked as I did. And then he tripped walking down the stairs and almost killed himself on that grand staircase thing he loves so much?

Thomas doesn't trip and he does not miss chairs when sitting down.

I don't like this at all.

I had to quarantine Mara because her cold is getting worse and Thomas still has no immune system and I worry about James too and she's so annoyed at me.

Anyone who goes near Mara shouldn't go near Thomas until they're de-germed. I think she's developing pneumonia and if Thomas gets it, I worry about how he will fight it off...

I feel so bad because Mara just wants to be around everyone now that she's home. But she can't be. My poor little girl.

Sometimes I am such a dick, I wonder why anyone likes me at all.

Today? I prescribed my boss medicinal marijuana. That's something not many people can claim! It should help with his nausea.

Julian is being held hostage by Renton's thugs, but they let him speak to Joe today. Joe said he sounded alright. Scared and tired, but he said he hadn't been hurt. Apparently they're not giving him things to help take care of Aislinn, but at least that means she's with him. He can make sure she's okay. I just worry how long she'll stay okay if they don't let Julian feed her. Thank everything she's an angel...